03 June 2005

The Opera Queen Gene

Frontiers of parascience

The latest from Vienna.

In other news, scientists from Boca Raton, FL have discovered the opera queen gene, located upstream to (and slightly to the left of) the master sexual gene of fruit flies. When activated, the altered fruit fly "pursued a waiting virgin [megastore] female [impersonator employee]. It gently tapped the girl with its [ashen] leg, played her a song (using wings as instruments) [a bel canto cabaletta, researchers note] and, only then, dared to lick her [knees, to get a really good discount]- all part of standard [record collector] fruit fly seduction."

Mr. Bush, upon "learning" of these latest scientific discoveries, told reporters Friday: "First, we got JC-fearin', SUV-lovin', ESPN-watchin' middle America exposed to that word apo ... appa ... apaj ... apig ... [Terry Moran of ABC News interjects: 'Appoggiatura, Mr. President.']. Now these fruit bugs? What's next, a gay pope?"